Destiny's Treasures Online

i posted this on a yahoo! group i belong to, but i figured i'd post it here as well.

hard times have happened upon my famliy, and it really depresses me
because i am so limited in what i can do. not only that, i've not
been dealing with CFIDS for as long as my father. only recently have
i really accepted that CFIDS will be part of my life weither i want
it to be or not, and now i'm looking to live my life again, and find
a way to pick up where i was so rudely knocked off. unfortunately,
the tough times don't appear to want to allow me to really think, and
see things clearly, if you know what i'm saying. i'm constantly
harped on by my other family members about various, yet repetative
things, as i do my best to rediscover my place, my abilities, and my
limits, and at the same time deal with the constand dread/fear of
setbacks and their evil like. i also deal with what may seem like
simple decisions to non-sufferers; decisions like "if i do this, what
will happen?" or "do i do something I want to do, or something that
needs to be done" when i'm feeling low, but not quite into the 'bad
day'.

it's especially unnerving when i am hit with a setback, and my mum
picks that particular day/night to harp and rag on me about getting
back on track, when i am already doing my best. it's so frustrating!

i understand her stress, and want with all my heart to help ease her
load, like i did when i was in school, acting like an assistant or
secretary when my father went down hard. and it hurts even more to
know that i can't do that now, and possible never will be able to
again. even finding a simple job is difficult, and there are frequent
times when i want to give up.

then there is the lonliness.
it is mutually believed between my mother and i that i started
suffering the symptoms of CFIDS as early as the 10th grade, which
would be about 2001. i wasn't 'officially' diagnosed until 2005, when
i was doing my best to put myself through a second semester of
college, and had to pull out because i just couldn't do it. needless
to say, my life was rudely interrupted. i really don't know the sense
of independence, and i never really got the chance to go out with
others my age and even date guys (i didn't date in high school,
though i had guy friends). my 23rd birthday came recently, and i
couldn't help but be severely depressed about the whole matter for
many reasons, most being that i wasn't where i had thought i would be
back in high school. i was far from it, and hard times had followed
it its wake.

i marvel at my father, who's dealt with CFIDS for nearly 25 years. he
has found his personal means to push past the fear of setbacks and do
what he wants to do, even though he pays for it each night. i think
my mother sees that, then sees me, and gets angry for silly reasons.
but nonetheless, it still wounds, and it wounds deeply.

i want to find the motivation to push past the 'existance' that i've
been doing for the last few years, and walk unhindered into
the 'living'. yet, as much as i want that, i can't seem to find it.